Ye Olde Jib

As my first guest post on this culture blog, I would like to highlight some underappreciated old-timey phrases that seem to have been forgotten by American culture.

For example, "I like the cut of your jib." I said this to a fellow student last year, a man of vast sophistication and appeal to ladyfolk, who tittered uncontrollably and expressed joy at my use of this fantastic old-timey phrase.

Unfortunately, others remain sadly ignorant, cutting off an entire segment of nautical and vaudeville kitsch from their Britney Spears-saturated brains.

"Jibs" are types of sails, which may be cut in different fashions. Back in the day, hard-bitten sailors might comment on their appreciation of the cut of one's jib. In fact, the wonderfully old-timey C. Montgomery Burns frequently employed this phrase on the Simpsons:

Mr. Burns: Hmm...who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.


Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse, I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt, and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone, Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.

(By the way, "bootlick" is also WONDERFUL.)

Yet another phrase is "the clink." How awesome is it to say, "Aww, Zeek got sent up the clink again." A positive benefit of "clink," as opposed to the vanilla terms "jail" or "prison," is that it connotes hilarious and amusing old-timey infractions, such as "public intoxication," "bootlegging," "transporting prostitutes across state lines," and "taunting squirrels." But alas, I think that my beloved "clink" phrase would get me more milky-eyed stares.

I think the situation should be rectified by enforcing the use of the word "clink" in criminal law classes, along with "the slammer," "the pound," and "the bighouse," all of which have their own connotations, of course. For example, in "the pound," you picture sad-eyed inmates waiting for their '50s wives (in hair curlers, of course) to come visit with the children. In "the bighouse," you picture tattooed, sailor-like prisoners doing dumbbell curls with a cigar in their mouths. The possibilities are endless.

Clearly, anyone's language can be enriched by the use of colorful, old-timey phrases. So get off your keister, download some barber shop music, twist your handlebar mustache, and remember a simpler time, when jibs roamed free and moonshine filled people's bathtubs.

Hard Bitten

This is the issue that initially got me so damn mad at you damned people. Apparently, 50% or more of you don't know what it means for someone to be "hard-bitten." Seriously? Are you fucking serious? GO READ A BOOK! No seriously, I was sitting around with a group of my friends when I described a girl I knew as rather hard-bitten and thus not prone to titillation or frivolity. And all I got were blanks. Miles and miles of blank, milky-eyed stares.

So, in order to prevent you from giving me that same "I'm a retarded goldfish with fetal alcohol syndrome" look next time I use the phrase in a conversation, I will now explain the term.

The American Heritage Dictionary (free, on the internet!) defines hard-bitten as follows:

"Adj. 1. hard-bitten - tough and callous by virtue of experience"

There you have it. Seems obvious now, doesn't it? Doesn't it? I mean, just think about it. Someone who is hard-bitten is someone who has been bitten by life, and become hardened as a result. Fuck I hate you.

Still don't get it? Lets try pictures.

This man is hard bitten:



















This man is both hard, and freshly-bitten:















And this man is perhaps the most stone-cold,
hard-bitten badass of all time:














If you still don't get it, just go home, because you make me tired.

Your ignorance must be cleansed.

You people make me angry.

You are a giant, teeming mass of hopelessly ignorant oxygen sucks. At least if all of you were replaced with an equal bio-mass of tree lichen you would help combat global warming.

There is hope for you however. I am here, and I am going to explain to you, one at a time, all of the fundamental concepts that separate a Cub's fan from a fully functional human being.

Good luck, because if you people don't absorb this stuff fast enough, I'm going to start sending all of you letter bombs.