The Hope Chest

This blog serves to perfectly illustrate of one of the things I hate most about conservatives. So many people are constantly convinced that our world is going down the toilette and that what we need is a return to the "good old days." Yet even a cursory examination of old news papers will show (as this fine blog so aptly does) that all of that is a load of bullshit, and that things were not only quite bad in the past, they might have actually been far worse.

http://mrparallel.wordpress.com/

Whole Hog

This is something that each and every one of us who eats meat must strive to make ourselves more aware of.  No snarky comments today besides to say that I live 3 blocks from Cafe Lula, and it is delicious.  

"Last year author and farmer Verlyn Klinkenborg wrote an op-ed in the New York Times about the moral necessity of watching, if not participating in, the slaughter of animals he raises for meat. 'That’s part of the job,' he wrote. 'It’s how we come to understand what the meat itself means.'"

http://www.chicagoreader.com/features/stories/wholehog/

George Thorogood

How the fuck do you not know who George Thorogood is?  The man wrote Bad To The Bone...what the fuck did your parents listen to on the car radio?  Light Jazz?  

On the other hand, that would explain a lot.

9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think

Think you know what "peruse" means? Howabout "ironic?" Or "plethora?"

Find out here. Complete with a rating scale (from 1-10) to tell you how big of a dick you are when you misuse these words.

The Tragedy of the Commons

Ok, first off, many apologies for the long delay.

That being said, this is gonna be a big one, so brace yourselves.

Firstly, the tone of this issue will be different than those in the past. While previous entries were aimed at least as much at admonishing as at educating, I really don't expect most people to have previous knowledge of todays topic. Which isn't to say that your unawareness of this concept isn't indicative of failure, but merely that the failure in question is the American education system's, and not your own.

What I want to explain today is a relatively basic concept from microeconomics called "the tragedy of the commons." Though simple, it is absolutely fundamental to understanding, among other things, the economics of environmentalism. The tragedy of the commons is a parable, in which sheep herders on a pasture of limited size stand in for any situation economic actors have unlimited access to limited resources. The story goes like this:

"The herders are assumed to wish to maximize their yield, and so will increase their herd size whenever possible. The utility of each additional animal has both a positive and negative component:

• Positive: the herder receives all of the proceeds from each additional animal.
• Negative: the pasture is slightly degraded by each additional animal.

Crucially, the division of these costs and benefits is unequal: the individual herder gains all of the advantage, but the disadvantage is shared among all herders using the pasture. Consequently, for an individual herder weighing these options, the rational course of action is to add an extra animal. And another, and another. However, since all herders reach the same rational conclusion, overgrazing and degradation of the pasture is its long-term fate. Nonetheless, the rational response for an individual remains the same at every stage, since the gain is always greater to each herder than the individual share of the distributed cost."

(Quoted text stolen from Wikipedia)

And that my friends, is exactly why the African Elephant population skyrocketed after individual villages were given property interests in elephant herds.

Thats your economics lesson for the time being, coming next Monday will be an even longer-winded explanation of Post-Structuralism.

Ye Olde Jib

As my first guest post on this culture blog, I would like to highlight some underappreciated old-timey phrases that seem to have been forgotten by American culture.

For example, "I like the cut of your jib." I said this to a fellow student last year, a man of vast sophistication and appeal to ladyfolk, who tittered uncontrollably and expressed joy at my use of this fantastic old-timey phrase.

Unfortunately, others remain sadly ignorant, cutting off an entire segment of nautical and vaudeville kitsch from their Britney Spears-saturated brains.

"Jibs" are types of sails, which may be cut in different fashions. Back in the day, hard-bitten sailors might comment on their appreciation of the cut of one's jib. In fact, the wonderfully old-timey C. Montgomery Burns frequently employed this phrase on the Simpsons:

Mr. Burns: Hmm...who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.


Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse, I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt, and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone, Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.

(By the way, "bootlick" is also WONDERFUL.)

Yet another phrase is "the clink." How awesome is it to say, "Aww, Zeek got sent up the clink again." A positive benefit of "clink," as opposed to the vanilla terms "jail" or "prison," is that it connotes hilarious and amusing old-timey infractions, such as "public intoxication," "bootlegging," "transporting prostitutes across state lines," and "taunting squirrels." But alas, I think that my beloved "clink" phrase would get me more milky-eyed stares.

I think the situation should be rectified by enforcing the use of the word "clink" in criminal law classes, along with "the slammer," "the pound," and "the bighouse," all of which have their own connotations, of course. For example, in "the pound," you picture sad-eyed inmates waiting for their '50s wives (in hair curlers, of course) to come visit with the children. In "the bighouse," you picture tattooed, sailor-like prisoners doing dumbbell curls with a cigar in their mouths. The possibilities are endless.

Clearly, anyone's language can be enriched by the use of colorful, old-timey phrases. So get off your keister, download some barber shop music, twist your handlebar mustache, and remember a simpler time, when jibs roamed free and moonshine filled people's bathtubs.

Hard Bitten

This is the issue that initially got me so damn mad at you damned people. Apparently, 50% or more of you don't know what it means for someone to be "hard-bitten." Seriously? Are you fucking serious? GO READ A BOOK! No seriously, I was sitting around with a group of my friends when I described a girl I knew as rather hard-bitten and thus not prone to titillation or frivolity. And all I got were blanks. Miles and miles of blank, milky-eyed stares.

So, in order to prevent you from giving me that same "I'm a retarded goldfish with fetal alcohol syndrome" look next time I use the phrase in a conversation, I will now explain the term.

The American Heritage Dictionary (free, on the internet!) defines hard-bitten as follows:

"Adj. 1. hard-bitten - tough and callous by virtue of experience"

There you have it. Seems obvious now, doesn't it? Doesn't it? I mean, just think about it. Someone who is hard-bitten is someone who has been bitten by life, and become hardened as a result. Fuck I hate you.

Still don't get it? Lets try pictures.

This man is hard bitten:



















This man is both hard, and freshly-bitten:















And this man is perhaps the most stone-cold,
hard-bitten badass of all time:














If you still don't get it, just go home, because you make me tired.